karl

Karl’s loss.

The doctor seemed perplexed by Helena’s symptoms. Her shoulder was stiff and sore from what he had determined was over exertion. There was some slight swelling in her armpit and neck but not enough to merit further examination. He could only recommend continued rest and warm soaks twice a day to ease her pain.

Her pain was however only going to become worse as the cancer that had gone undiagnosed continued to spread through out her body. She had begun to suspect something other than just shoulder strain about a week before the doctor’s most recent visit. Her diminished appetite, a marked loss of energy, and a deep sense of imminent mortality surrounded her like a distant, cool fog that could be felt, but not seen.

She continued to maintain her daily routine and camouflage her condition from her family but soon that would become impossible. She fell down the stairs on a Sunday morning while getting ready for church during a particularly difficult bout of fatigue and broke her collarbone. The pain was incredible. She screamed out for her husband Lucas outside and he and Karl raced in. Seeing her crumpled at the foot of the stairs unable to move terrified the father and son, whom on most any other occasion would be afraid of almost nothing. The sense of powerlessness was new to them. Lucas tried to help her turn over but she only grimaced and sucked in a large breath of air. Her skin seemed different. He had always loved her skin, it had a smoothness and warmth that he never tired of but in trying to help her he noticed a distinctive waxy quality that had never seen. Lucas calmly asked Karl to get the doctor and he would stay with Helena.

Her eyes seemed only shadows as she sobbed in pain and he was at an utter loss at how to help. Finally, he could see the broken bone under her skin and he tried to position Helena again to make her more comfortable but with limited success. The shock of the pain had taken her away from the moment and pushed her into a place where she could not escape the reality of her situation. This was the moment she knew she was going to die. Not die that very moment but much sooner than she had realized and it was not going to be an easy death. She could see the faces of her family at her funeral, the outline of and even the taste of the tears on the faces of her son and daughter standing next to each other just like when they were very little and she kissed them away. She could even see her own face as she lay in the coffin, expressionless and pale. She could feel the cold stillness behind her eyes that she could not open. She tried to use the pain in her shoulder to bring her back but she could not rid her mind of the images. At that moment she felt very weak and was grateful to finally pass out just before the doctor arrived.

Lucas was a man who worked hard for a living. Combining lumber jacking and fishing he made a comfortable living for his wife and two children. Karl helped his father in the woods part time in the winter skidding logs and full time in the summer fishing for whitefish on Lake Huron. Karl’s brother, Russell was smaller in stature even though he was two years older that Karl. Russell was gifted with a high proficiency in math and had received a scholarship to Wayne State University and was studying civil engineering. Russell was interested in the small details of very large things, like the way the edge of a curve in the road was constructed or the proper size of a bolt for the underpinnings of a bridge. Karl knew these things were important but could not be bothered by those details. Details did interest Karl, just not contrived details. Karl thought about the details of the distribution of tree species in the woods he worked in. Why did Trillium grow on this hillside and Ulvaria grow in others? Why were some porcupines almost black while others were brownish gray? How was it decided that Fox squirrels, Red squirrels, and Chipmunks would all occupy one section of woods?